Night becomes day, day becomes night, waking, sleeping, waking, sleeping – life continues on and on and on. Looking back over my days it is almost a miracle to realize that the person who got dressed up for Saturday nights in the club is the same person who sings “How Much Is That Doggie In The Window” while cleaning up poopy diapers. How did this happen? Was there some kind of fundamental shift that brought about this monumental change? The answer, in short, is no. Nothing deeply fundamental changed within me. But, if I am honest, the girl I used to be would never have been capable of living the life I live today.
Through my daily trials and triumphs I learn who I am, as well as who this little bundle of mysterious joy is, my Sam. Though I am often shocked to hear it, I am a mother. I have borne a tiny, wondrous, little human. My reluctance to accept the title of Mother has actually been integral in helping me to learn the myriad of my new responsibilities. In my heyday I was a competitive and driven publicist, I was a motivated and detail-oriented restaurant manager, I was a partier, a friend, a savvy New Yorker. Today I am all of those things. Initially there was a feeling of resistance to letting go of the woman I once was. I still want to know all the best restaurants in town, I want to go to the hippest shows and most cutting-edge bars. But as a mom I’m completely exhausted by 9:00 pm.
With nearly seven months of motherhood under my belt I look back on the road that got me here with gratitude. Each one of the qualities that served me so well as a single city girl is now making me an amazing mom. Just because I am a mother does not mean that I can no longer be the rockin’ woman I once was – if anything, continuing to rock will embolden me as a mother. Looking at the decisions I have made in the past will give me the confidence to make good decisions as a mother. Sammy is my cub and with each day I am growing into a stronger, more feminine and ever more fierce lioness.
Going through the transition of single woman to partner to parent can be overwhelming and scary – I know it has been for me. I must remind myself to not look at the puzzle of my life in pieces, but rather as a whole. There are beautiful pieces within me that when joined together create a force of nature that can only be described as Mother. It's a challenge though, finding a way to fit each piece together. At each stage of life I become less and less sure that I know it all. As a child I was sure that my world was THE world and that I was the expert at everything. The older I get the wiser I get, in that I am wise enough to realize how little I know. All I have are my own experiences and the knowledge that I have picked up along the way. Combining everything that I was and everything that I am will (hopefully) lead me to find everything that I hope to be.
To all of my mom friends out there, those I know well, those I’ve never met, my mother-in-law, my mother, my grandmothers, great-grandmothers: Thank you. Thank you for the benefit of your experience, thank you for teaching me to be me, to be comfortable to embrace all the parts of who I am in order to become a wife, a mother and ultimately a woman.